||[Aug. 19th, 2005|10:49 pm]
so yeah lately ive been feeling really insecure. dont ask why?! because theres many reasons. ive just been feelin in the dumps, alone. i havent really talked to joe lately....guess he's been pretty busy. thats never good....i havent even started school and look at whats happening. ekkk.....it'll all be okay though. anyways, went shopping today. bought some new shoes and tried on dresses. that didnt help....ive gain weight and im feelin FAT! sucks to be me right now. Im really emotional right now for many reasons so if i go off on anyone or offend anyone... im really sorry. i hope im not getting deppressed again. that would totally suck but...i have been crying alot. I miss Dusty horribly....i mean to the point of im about to run away to see him. cant do that though...ill get arrested. im such a dumbass. i know exactly why im like this right now actually. Theres something bothering so bad that its driving me insane. nobody knows what it is....and nobody will find out. grrr.....i hate.....i dont know what i hate. i hate my mistakes, my body, my brother for running away, the way no matter what i say or do i cant win nikki back, i hate who i am today. maybe tomorrow will be better? then again maybe it will be worse?! oh yeah im keepin my car but i gotta pay 1500-2000 more dollars BEFORE i can drive it again. where will i get the money from...who freakin knows.? i also talked to brooke today...we're getting an apartment together after i graduate. yay. hope i wont ruin her life like i did nikkis. i suck at life what can i say? im a LOSER! wow....i gotta get happy. usually though, when i get like this only two people can make me happy...one wont talk to me right now...(Dusty) and the other is far far away....(Gary). that may sound weird but hey...its true. then again nobody else has really tried so...yup. God will get me through it. i feel like such a baby but...its liek everything that comes out my mouth is .....sad. anyways im going to bed....night.